Goodbyes Are Not My Thing

As you’ve already read in my karma post, I’ve been on the lookout for another job. There were several reasons for that, but the main reason was a “trust-thing” that I just missed at my current job. Things changed, and I felt out of place at my current job. I was almost due to get a new contract for an indefinite period, but I didn’t think it was going to happen. And yesterday something happened that seemed to confirm that suspicion. Since I’d been miserable for quite a few weeks now (coming home from work in tears and all that shit), I decided to step the fuck up and go to one of my bosses to see what the fuck was going on.

I’m still not sure how to describe what happened next. We talked for quite a while, and it turned out that my suspicion was in place. I could’ve gotten mad, I guess, but I didn’t feel anything like that. I was happy that I finally knew what would happen. And at the same time, I was sad because despite everything that had happened in the last few months, I love that company, and before that I’d always expected to maybe stay there “forever”. My boss offered me time off until the end of my contract, so that I would have enough time on finding a new job, which I really appreciated. Now I do have to say, I have seen people come and go all the time, but never like this. They usually get kicked out, brutally, and then we go on like they never even existed in the first place. But not me.

I think the best way to define yesterday’s conversation was “happy-sad”. My boss was great, and there was no hostility between us whatsoever; we even had some laughs. The last few months didn’t wipe out everything I’ve been doing there for the last three years, she told me, as well as that this has been one of the hardest decisions she’s ever made. That felt good. I didn’t tell her about the new company though, just in case (and I still have to go there, they moved the appointment). In the end, we’ve decided that Monday is going to be my last day. She asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to everybody, and I said yes. I can’t just get the fuck out of there like nothing has happened. But I hate goodbyes. I already know that I’m gonna cry like a little baby; I’ve met some wonderful people there, which I’m going to miss a lot. And hell, I’m even gonna miss the director’s random-ass yelling (he’s a bit of a loud mouth, and this is an understatement). Can you imagine?

In a way, I’m looking forward to Monday, because it’s going to be a happy ending. But I’m really obsessing about what I’m going to say. I hope I’ll manage to be the “clown-me” they’re used to. If nothing else, I’ll just make a huge (belated) April Fool’s joke of it. So… Wish me luck. I’ll let you know how it went.

Love,

ML-X

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