I have a love/hate relationship with love. Sounds off, but even after a quarter of a century of walking on this planet I don’t know if love is a good thing. I like the way someone can make you feel when you’re in love, just by taking your hand or whatever, but I truly dislike the “weakness” that comes with it.
I am an idiot when I love. It doesn’t happen often, but when somebody enters my small circle of loved ones, I go crazy. All the way. I’m sad when they’re sad, cry when they cry, and so on. It’s ridiculous.
Currently, I’m in a relationship. I still remember when it all started; I was at a point where I didn’t think I would ever fall in love, let alone start a relationship. But there he was. From the first time I saw him, I thought he was cute. But that was all… Until that one day. It was a scorching hot summer’s day, a bunch of us went into town, and before I even knew it, we shared our first kiss. It was like magic happened. Both of us hadn’t seen it coming, so awkwardness ruled the first few days, and it took us two weeks to figure out what to do, but we made it official.
After a while, we decided to move in together. I let go of all of my plans for the future that wouldn’t fit in with “us”, and we went on an apartment hunt. Luckily, it didn’t take us too long to find something we both deemed perfect. But then the shitmess started. Murphy’s law screwed me over in every possible way, which led to even more shit. Long story short; the initial magic disappeared, and we fought like animals. I made a problem about everything, and didn’t believe he wanted to move in any more. We fought about that too. A lot. After a few months, I kept telling myself everything would be okay when I got rid of the mess.
Fast forward a few months; the apartment is finally mine and livable. I live alone. The name plate states both our names, because he wanted it like that. He comes over when he feels like it, and every time I mention the initial plan of moving in together, he comes up with a crappy excuse and we fight again. So I leave it for a while.
He doesn’t seem to understand what he’s done. I have to stay at my crappy job -which I started hating a few months ago-, I can’t move out of the country like I wanted to, I can’t follow a single one of my “old” dreams. I’m stuck.
So, why do I stay with him? Because of love. Because I’m weak. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kind of person that can’t be alone. In fact, I’m really good at that. But there’s just something about him that makes me want to have his kiddo’s, despise the mess he makes of me. By the way, those would be some beautiful kids! I guess he’s just emotionally retarded, and inexperienced with this love/relationship stuff, opposed to me, hell, I’ve even been engaged a long time ago. So I still hold on and hope… That someday he’ll understand, and decide that this idiot is his idiot.
Aaanyway… I hope I didn’t bore you with this crap, I just had to empty my mind. Feel free to comment on my stupidity ;)
Thanks for reading!