Since early in my childhood I’ve had a problem with my eye sight. I couldn’t see shit unless I pretty much stood on top of it, so I had to wear glasses. Which is -by the way- a great combo with being overweight and foreign. Way back then, of course, it wasn’t as bad as it got later on, but I didn’t do me any good. The thing I remember most was my teacher placing me in the front row after I got my glasses, and me thinking “What the fuck, I can see now so what the hell are you doing?”, albeit in a way more suitable for a six-year-old ;) Yeah, even at that age, sitting in front row was not good for your popularity, haha.
One of the consequences of being part-time blind is the yearly check-up at the optometrist’s. Apart from the fact that mine always has a delay of at least two hours, they’re not that big a deal. But every once in a while, they do special tests, which I just can’t handle in a normal way:
1. The eyeball pressure test. This one is always the same for me, starting by the doc’s instructions: “Look into the green light. A small puff of air will be blown into your eye to measure your eye pressure. Don’t get startled.” Well guess what? I get startled by that puff every freakin’ time. And not just a little bit, noooo… The last time, I bumped my forehead into the machine so hard, it left a bruise. I guess I just never see those puffs coming – lame pun intended :)
2. Pupil dilation something something. After all these years, I still don’t have a clue what that test is for. I guess the test isn’t as much a problem, it’s more about the aftermath: LSD eyes! Those damn drops make my pupils look like saucers, and they never seem to wear off. So I can’t see shit with my glasses on any more, but taking them off doesn’t do any good either. A lose-lose situation at its finest. In fact, this very post was written blindly on a real notepad, because otherwise I had to put my head in my monitor.
The examination I hate most though, is a regular: The phoropter test. For all of you who don’t know what a phoropter is, here’s a pic;
They switch the lenses in the phoropter, and you have to look at a chart and tell them what works best for you: “Is this clearer?” *switch* “Or this one?” And I’m always like, “Uhhhm…”, “Okay, let’s repeat”. I don’t know what’s up with that, but sometimes I JUST DON’T KNOW! I don’t know if it’s possible to give a wrong answer, but I sure as hell feel like every one I give is just. Plain. Wrong. They have a way of making this feel like an IQ test instead of an eye examination. I did happen to stumble across a way to make this examination at least a bit more fun; a personalized eye chart. I should get one of those for my optometrist :)
Thanks for reading, I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it :)